I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
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