My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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