I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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