I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
