I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
