i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
