Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
