In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
