You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
