you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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