Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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