my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
