I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
