I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
