Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
