Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
