Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
