I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
