I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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