remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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