can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
