on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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