I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
