found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
