Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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