If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
