If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
