The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just gargled with NyQuil
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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