I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
