I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
