I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
