Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
