dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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