I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
