remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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