The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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