My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
