You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
