Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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