I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
