My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
