I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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