I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
