I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
