I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
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I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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