He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
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threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
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I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper