my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
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He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
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Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.