We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.