I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
There's always time for handjobs
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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