if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
