Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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