Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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