I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
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