I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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