Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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