Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she told me i tasted like america
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
