Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
